There is a battle between the HATHS and the HATHS Nots. HATHS stands for Hands Attached To Head Syndrome, for those not in the know. We, HATHS Nots, are a superior race. The people that suffer from HATHS cannot be helped by any medical professional. In fact, before cell phones, everyone was just considered as "people." Now that HATHS have become the majority, we must identify ourselves as HATHS Nots.

We need to wage war against the HATHS and eliminate them and to eliminate our stigma as the universally hated HATHS Nots and reclaim the title of Personhood.
With this short string of text alone, we, as HATHS Nots, now have a text to justify our persecutions. So get out there and fight the good fight. If you see one of those people with their hand attached to their head yapping on a fucking cell phone, go up to them and attack them. You must also seize their cell phone, however, which will be difficult for it is their life force and they cling to the cell phone with great strength. That is their greatest weapon. Without their cell phone they cannot attach their hand to their head any longer and their life force depletes therefore rendering them defenseless.

If enough of us HATHS Nots can succeed in draining the life force from the HATHS, the war will still not be over. The HATHS will still be roaming the streets searching to suck the lifeblood out of a cell phone like zombies. Due to their lack of life force they will be very slow moving resembling a zombie. We do not yet quite know if they will decay like a zombie, but computer simulations show that without a cell phone, HATHS may not search for food or water until they can get a signal, signifying that they may, in fact, decompose and may resemble zombies as seen in movies.

Some of us HATHS Nots DO own cell phones and have learned to use them only when they are useful, not as if they were the glue between the ear and a hand. We are the most in danger. When this zombie uprising happens we will have stations prepared throughout the entire US ready to supply lead boxes to store your cell phones so the HATHS zombies cannot sense your emergency notification system. In this event, never take your cell phone out of its lead chamber unless it is an emergency.

We may see the end of the world if we do not correct this. This future event will be very horrific for all of us, but we must tread on. We still have top researchers trying to figure out what we can do with the zombie HATHS and there is, sadly, no consensus as of yet. But be assured that our top scientists have many suitable options that would rid the zombie situation when it happens that should be successful. We are just hoping they can concur on which option is best for HATHS Nots and our planet before this uprising occurs.

Please notify HATHS Nots leaders of local plans to seize cell phones from HATHS that are not included in your issued strategic manual. Many HATHS Nots live in small towns and are the only HATHS Not in the town. If you apply to this, do NOT try to seize cell phones by yourself. Discreetly contact a HATHS Not leader and request backup. We will strategically place troops in your area when we feel it is strategically the right time, so be patient. There are only a few of us, and many of them.

As of now, I have declared war on the HATHS. We are going to see dark times for some time, but after this is over, we will never again hear someone say, "I'm on the bus," with their hand firmly attached to their head. Then, and only then, we will have a utopia.