By Eric Jayne
Predicting the future has been as popular throughout human history as sex and war. The problem with most prognosticators, however, is that their predictions are so vague that just about any significant event can be interpreted as a validation of said predictions. My following predictions for the next decade might be many things, but “vague” is not one of them. I have taken a more audacious approach by injecting specificity, so take that Nostradamus!
2010: Finally putting an end to the nauseating debate of how the years in this decade will be phrased, Gallup releases a public opinion poll in the summer that shows 67 percent of Americans say “twenty-ten,” while 24 percent say “two thousand-ten.” Additionally, six percent say “fourteen thirty-two” and two percent say “Xenu.” One percent said they were “unsure.”
2011: With fuel prices soaring to over $13 per gallon and the release of another government study showing an increase in the national obesity rate, President Obama signs the Bucket of Bolts for Bikes program into law. The new program encourages car drivers to trade in their cars for a new pedal driven bicycle. With the help of government subsidies, GM, Ford and Chrysler benefit from a financial boon by manufacturing over 200 million state of the art bicycles. The economy begins to show signs of recovery, the unemployment rate plummets, carbon emissions are drastically reduced and American obesity is on a sharp decline. The program isn’t considered a success, however, until gas prices fall to less than a dollar per gallon giving American consumers what they really want: cheap gas. The big three American automobile companies answer the increased demand for cars by ramping up car production while still maintaining bicycle manufacturing. Plentiful employment opportunities make Detroit the most desired place to live, thereby increasing the median house value in the city to an astonishing $325,000.
2012: Fox News and the Christian Broadcasting Network merge together for around the clock reporting of the looming apocalypse. Tens of millions of Americans are led to Israel by Pat Robertson and Sarah Palin for the second coming of Christ. This leaves the U.S. with a very small, but intelligent, voting public who overwhelmingly vote for Real Time host Bill Maher for president. The newly formed Secularist Party takes control of the House and the Senate.
2013: In what has become dubbed nopocalypse, tens of millions of disappointed Americans, who had hoped to be living in a heavenly kingdom by now, find their way back to the United States. President Maher is inaugurated as the 45th president of the United States and he subsequently appoints Julia Sweeney, Sam Harris, Lewis Black and Penn Gillette to the Supreme Court. They replace the four Justices who abandoned their public duties last year to celebrate the End Times. Progress ensues.
2014: Two years after solving the steroids scandal with required testing and a no tolerance policy, Major League Baseball is in the midst of another damaging scandal: cyborgs. Shortly after the list of players who tested positive for cyborgism is released—a list that includes the entire Yankees starting line-up—Joe Mauer admits his own mechanical deception. Consequently, his record breaking 85 game hitting streak and .426 season batting average are tagged with asterisks.
2015: Kids all over America are grooving to the new hip-hop musical style of Islamalatin. This Latin-Muslim hip-hop hybrid spawns a new dance called the Fatwa cha-cha and chart-topping song, “Jiggle Jihad Booty.”
2016: Now known as the “Agriculture President,” Bill Maher wins a second term. Thanks to the President’s leadership and signing of the Cash for Cannabis bill, prescription medication costs have gone down, a distressed criminal justice system has been relieved and struggling farmers have found a lucrative commodity that increases American GDP to an all-time (ahem) high.
2017: Israelis, Palestinians, Iraqis, Iranians, Sunnis, Shiites, Catholics, Protestants, Kurds, Turks, Christians, Muslims, Jews, Pakistanis, Indians, Chinese, Tibetans, the Taliban, al-Qaeda, Hamas, Hezbollah, Vikings, Packers and guerrilla forces everywhere replace ethnocentrically charged violence with kindly compassion after Pixar releases a movie with a poignantly altruistic message. Ethnic violence is wiped out everywhere and replaced with global adulation.
2018: The latest celebrity sex tape scandal depicts Pat Robertson and Michele Bachmann enjoying an evening of romping debauchery. Robertson tearfully blames Satan during his subsequent news conference. His allegation gains credibility when Bachmann acknowledges and reveals herself to be the Antichrist a few hours later.
2019: Much to the chagrin of skeptics and atheists, Judgment Day arrives on Super Bowl Sunday. Johnny Unitas and Walter Payton play in the big game after the NFL reached an agreement with Yahweh to delay Armageddon by one day and let resurrected players play with their respective teams. The Bears beat the Colts 24-17.