By Eric Jayne
For the past 12 years my wife and I have put up our Christmas tree the weekend after Thanksgiving and this year was no exception. This year we celebrated in our usual fashion which includes eggnog and the Bing Crosby White Christmas album. Our three children eagerly rummaged through the boxes of Christmas decorations and proceeded to decorate our dog’s indoor kennel with the same red ribbon that was used for the same purpose the year before. My wife carefully wrapped our tree in lights and ribbon while the kids and I hooked on the ornaments. When it was all completed, we took a couple of steps back and admired our festive, twinkling tree enhanced by the backdrop of a quaint suburban neighborhood covered in a fresh blanket of white snow beautifully framed in the panes of our living room window. It was at this moment that I excused myself from the rest of the family and went down to the basement to contact my comrades from the Secular Progressive Coalition Force (SPCF) to get the latest on our fight in the War on Christmas.
Here is the most recent memo I received from Gen. Hitchens at SPCF headquarters in Madison, WI:
It’s becoming clear that the enemy is on to us, my secular comrades. The Christmas Agitator Operatives (CAO) are well aware of our intentions to destroy Christmas and they’re successfully recruiting more support for their cause. Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin, Bill O’Reilly, and other CAO leaders are outmaneuvering us by cogently appealing to the critical thinking masses with their keen observations of our destructive plan. Somehow they continue to discover our battle plans and then release the details of those plans to their culture warriors throughout the nation via radio and television broadcasts cleverly disguised as news.
Gone are the days when we were able to surreptitiously replace Jesus with Santa, the nativity story with the Rudolph TV special, and going to church with going to the shopping mall. The enemy is now using these secular mores against us by incorporating them into their own recruiting efforts. I’m afraid Operation Grinch is not going well, my brothers and sisters. While we have been able to force retailers to say “Happy Holidays” (which we all know is code for “I hate Jesus”) in the past, it appears that the CAO is arming retail cashiers with an endless amount “Merry Christmas” greetings.
With the war becoming increasingly challenging, we need to take a moment to celebrate our recent victories. The SPCF came out victorious by infiltrating the city council of Tulsa, OK so that the citizens of Tulsa would be forced to attend a Holiday Parade instead of Christmas Parade. We also forced local public schools throughout the nation to hold Holiday programs instead of Christmas programs. And let’s not forget our billboard campaign that was organized by our allied forces, Satanic Hedonist Immoral Tribe (figure out the acronym for yourself), that reminded everybody that the story of Jesus Christ is a myth
…much like the Secular Progressive Coalition Force, Christmas Agitator Operatives, the Satanic Hedonist Immoral Tribe, and the ridiculous, delusional notion of there being a War on Christmas.
Merry Christ-Myth, everybody!